Last week I gave a talk in Singapore to a prestigious group of female employment lawyers and HR professionals. At the end of the dinner, one of the participants who works for a global bank stated, “We often wait for a pause so we can contribute, but tonight the discussion flowed.”
I mulled over her words afterwards, and wondered how many of us–men or women–wait for “a pause” before speaking up. It’s common courtesy to wait, isn’t it?
When writing, words are separated by commas or full stops, grammatical rules in order to read more effectively. In public speaking, however, pauses are critical. We hold onto each pause in anticipation for the next word. A good speaker knows how to use a pause for maximum impact. In conversation, as we wait to jump in with a comment, our thoughts can also dissipate, or the conversation turns. A lost opportunity for everyone.
The Economist’s latest edition has an article on verbal gaps, pauses and interruptions across gender lines. The article quotes Deborah Tannen, as she suggested the issue between men and women is not one of inequality but of communication style differences. The participant I mentioned earlier made the same comments, attributing the differences to the way men and women interact with each other.
Can we attribute this only to gender, or how much do culture and individual preferences play a role?
There are, believe it or not, volumes of research on conversational pauses, although I’m not certain anyone has determined the correct length of a pause. Researchers studying cross cultural communication found the shortest just under 1 second, the longest 5 seconds (usually when taking notes), and the norm about 2 seconds. Shorter than watching a Vine, not long at all. But for some people a one second pause can feel like eternity. And painful. When this happens, many try to fill the void with a question or irrelevant comment. For others, talking too soon is considered rude. When this happens, most look askance.
The last sentence of the Economist article says it all: “Learn the old fashioned art of conversation.” To do so we need to:
Learn how to listen
Reflect before responding
Take your turn
And
Wait for the pause
